I really shouldn’t be blogging right now. There are dishes to be washed and I can actually smell the dirty laundry, spilling out of the basket. The kids are all home which is rare. I should probably organize a family game night so we can bond. Then again, it’s not raining. I could go outside for a run. I’ve been meaning to do that for the past 6 months.
Oh guilt and regret, why do you plague me so?
As a mom, I feel like my to-do list is never done. And if I attempt to relax, there’s this nagging little voice in the back of my mind, like nails on a chalk board, that says, “Isn’t there something that needs doing?”
I could probably relax, if the house was immaculate, everyone’s laundry was clean and put away, if I had a delicious gluten-free supper baking in the oven, (one that everyone likes), if I churned my own butter, the kids were out doing service projects for the homeless, and world peace reigned upon the earth... So, basically never.
I think the mom-guilt started before I became a mom. No seriously…
This was me, except I was slamming a Cherry Coke and binging on Pop-Tarts.
I drank more than two cups of caffeine per day, my babies didn’t listen to classical music in the womb, and sometimes, I skipped my prenatal vitamins. I’m positive it’s why my kids struggle in math.
Do dads wrestle with guilt like us moms? How is it that they can sit on the couch with a football game and a beverage, fall asleep within minutes, meanwhile the dogs ran away, the kids are bleeding, and there is a fire in the kitchen.
It’s not fair! And I know I’m not alone.
Here are some regretful statements I’ve heard from other moms:
(I’m a bad mom because...)
I gave my baby formula.
I put my kids in day care.
I’m a stay-at-home mom and therefore don’t help provide financially for my family.
My house is a mess.
I spend too much time cleaning and should play with my kids instead.
I’m not a fun mom.
I should volunteer more at my kids’ school.
I yelled at my kids.
Us moms can REALLY beat ourselves up, can’t we? And it’s not just the new moms. I heard a 75 year old woman say, “I should have let my son get a puppy when he was little. He always wanted one, but I selfishly didn’t want to take care of it.” Her son is now 45 and can buy his own dog! And yet this poor woman still feels guilty.
But I can relate, wondering if I should just forget about the kids’ college fund and start investing in therapy sessions instead. Or maybe I’m the one who needs therapy! Because this kind of thinking needs to stop.
There’s no such thing as a perfect Mom. Oh sure, we think we know her. She is the one NOT wearing sweatpants at the school pick up. Instead, her hair and make-up are perfectly coordinated with her Athleta outfit. We’ve seen her on Instagram making homemade cranberry scones with her four-year-old triplets. But this is false. The perfect mom simply doesn’t exist.
When my kids were little, I felt pressure to have these ornate, themed birthday parties complete with a fancy, homemade cake to match. By the third kid however, I got too overwhelmed and instead of making him a cake, I went to the grocery store and bought one. My older kids were shocked! But not in the way I expected.
“No fair! How come Anders gets to have a store bought cake? You never got us a professionally made cake.”
I was dumbfounded. All these years, I spent hours making the princess cake, and the dinosaur cake complete with volcano and lava frosting. I could have just gone to Marketplace and bought them one? I don’t even like baking!!
But after that, I learned something about myself. I realized I was wrapped up in false expectations. My kids didn’t care if I made the cake or not! So who was I trying to impress? My Facebook friends?
I’m not sure if it’s entirely possible to separate motherhood from guilt- but at the very least we can try to remember that our true worth comes from God. He created us with purpose, talents, and has a plan for our life. He also offers plenty of grace for when we make mistakes.
Ephesians 2:8-9 says, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast.”
We are loved and we are enough- not because we cook organically. Not because our kid is an A student. But because of God’s grace. Period.
The enemy of our soul loves to bring us shame and feelings of insecurity. We need to stop listening to the lies and be the best Mom that God intended us to be. And find our value in what He says about us.
John 3:1 “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!”
For more on motherhood and guilt, I highly recommend:
Julie Ann Barnhill’s book, “Motherhood: the Guilt that Keeps on Giving”
and “No More Perfect Moms” by Jill Savage.