People often comment at how much our three children look alike. They all have bleach blonde hair, blue eyes and similar shaped faces.
But that’s where the similarities end as they display their own unique personality.
One way I like to describe them is this: Picture all three of my kids playing four square at recess when suddenly a mean kid comes and steals their ball. Carson, our oldest, would passively just let them take it saying, “I guess you can have it; I didn’t really want to play anyway.” On the other hand, Ella our middle child would confidently tell the bully, “Hey, you really need to hand the ball over, otherwise I’m going to tell a teacher.” And Anders, our youngest would boldly push up his sleeves and announce, “Give that back or I’ll punch you in the face!”
#1, #2 and #3 displaying their unique personalities.
Parents aren’t supposed to have a favorite kid. But I can’t be the only one who finds it so much easier to relate and spend time with a child who is more like me.
I am an extrovert. When I was a kid, I loved singing in front of people, being busy and in constant contact with friends. I was the student council president in college, participated in various plays and musicals and today I enjoy public speaking for various causes. Being with others and in front of people energizes me.
Shy people confuse me. I struggle to understand what it is that must hold them back or why they don’t seem to have something to say. And when one of my own children began displaying this characteristic I became exasperated. Why wasn’t he taking part in the largely attended birthday party I planned for him? (Because every 4 year old wants a cowboy themed party complete with pony rides and 21 friends in the backyard, right?) How come he refused to sing in his preschool Christmas program? And why was he perfectly content to sit on the bench eating sunflower seeds when the rest of his baseball team fought for an attempt at bat?
It has taken years to come to grips with the fact that my child was created differently than me. In fact he is the polar opposite; he is an introvert.
I don’t pretend to have this parenting thing figured out. I make mistakes daily and it is a constant learning and growing process. But with the help of scripture, various mentors, parenting books and articles, I have been convicted by truths and am working to implement them as I raise all three of my children.
1. God created each of us unique and different for a purpose.Romans 12:6-8 (NIV) “We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.”
Life would be pretty boring and we would be an unproductive body if we all had the same personalities and abilities. Our differences are meant to complement one another and ultimately work as a team.
2. Encourage your child to discover and pursue their own talents. To this day I catch myself trying to persuade my oldest son to participate in activities like a team sport, auditioning for a play or hosting a backyard bonfire for his classmates. And I get so disappointed when he turns me down-flat! I need to remember that these things aren’t fun to him and it has nothing to do with being shy. Just the thought of being a host or performing in front of people literally stresses him out. But let him go fishing with a friend or even by himself and he is in his element, willing to do it for hours. Once we discovered what his true passion was, fishing and hunting, we have seen him thrive.
Observing him teach a young child how to bait a hook and catch their first bass is an absolute delight! He is a wonderful, patient teacher and finds joy in sharing his hobby with others.
1 Peter 4:10 “Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.” (NIV)
3. Allow your child to gain energy in the way that fuels them best. Just like I gain strength from being around others, my son refuels by having quiet time or hanging out with a friend or his dad. I have had the best conversations with my son when we are simply one on one. It is during these times that he feels safe to share his feelings, ask wise questions and enjoy going deep in discussion- no matter what the topic. He says he doesn’t feel the need to attend homecoming or be in large groups because, “you can’t really get to know someone that way.” Even Jesus needed time away from the crowds of followers he ministered to.
4. Accept them for who they are. Without realizing it, I put certain expectations on my kids that went against who God created them to be. This only led to frustration and disappointment. It took me a while to get over the fact that my daughter wasn’t going to play basketball like I did. Instead she found an interest in gymnastics; a sport I knew nothing about. I finally let her take the lead in this area and she has taught me so much as she competes in gymnastics. Jill Savage and Kathy Koch in their book, No More Perfect Kids say, “The sooner you can accept your child’s uniqueness, the sooner he can accept it himself.”
As parents, it’s normal to have aspirations for our children; but remember they have their own dreams as well. Deep down, they want to please us and when we can accept them for who they are, it allows them to flourish in the gifts God has given them.