A shy 6th grade girl named Leslie, (not her real name), sat at her desk minding her own business, waiting for class to begin. She was a very pretty girl possessing long, thick brown hair, and dark eyes. The teacher wasn’t in the room yet. The unsupervised students were chatting, some roaming around the room, joking and laughing. A group of popular girls whispered in a corner when one of them broke away, sauntering over to Leslie. The seemingly confident girl initiated a conversation with Leslie while the others waited and observed with interest.
She pretended to be friendly and Leslie took the bait, amazed that this girl was actually taking time to speak to her. But what she was really doing was searching for a target- studying her for any sign of weakness. And when it was discovered, the girl leapt on it like a cat waiting for the unwary mouse. Then proudly, she lifted up her catch for the entire classroom to take notice. The response was exactly what she hoped for as the students joined in with condescending laughter- making a mockery of Leslie while simultaneously crushing her spirit.
You see, Leslie for some reason just didn’t seem to fit in- although there was nothing about her appearance that stood out to cause ridicule. She didn’t struggle with acne, a physical limitation or grades. But it was a lack of self-confidence that kept her from standing her ground, speaking her mind and believing in herself. And bullies in the sea of middle school found her as easy prey. I know I certainly did.
Yes, that’s right- it was me. I was the one responsible for rousing an entire classroom of 6th grade students to mock and ridicule a cherished, beautiful and unsuspecting girl. I was guilty of making Leslie feel like nothing and maybe worse.
You may think differently of me now, although I hope it’s evident I’ve changed. My reason for sharing this is because when the topic of bullying arises, it’s usually from the perspective of the one being bullied. But valuable insight can also be gained when we understand the viewpoint of the bully.
Speaking from experience, I believe a bully will often times act out because they are hurting too. Hurt people hurt people; plain and simple. Now please don’t think I’m looking for any sympathy what-so-ever. I’m absolutely not. What I did was WRONG! But I want students to know that in many cases, (not all) a bully is doing what he or she does because they feel insecure, or afraid. And in an effort to validate and make themselves feel better or higher on the ladder of importance they will push someone else down.That’s certainly what I did.
For me, during the time frame of 6th through 8th grade I struggled terribly with insecurity and low self-esteem. I wanted people to like me and be popular in the worst way but I never felt like I fit in. I longed to have the right clothes, hair and friends. My parents always struggled to make ends meet and therefore I never had what the popular kids had like the Esprit bag, Swatch Watch, Girbaud jeans, or Keds. (I realize I'm dating myself here.) Instead I had homemade Zubaz, a school bag from K-mart, Wrangler Jeans, and Target brand shoes that only looked like Keds. Confession: I used a permanent marker to color in a blue Keds label on the back of my shoes so they looked authentic. And then I prayed to God no one would notice they were fake.
There were two things that made me change the awful way I treated people in school. The first was an instance on the bus. I loved being able to make people laugh and one day on the way home from school it seemed I was getting a great response from a group of kids. But what I didn’t realize was that it was at the expense of a boy named Nick (Not his real name). There were snickers and eye rolls from the kids and I was feeling pretty good about myself when one of my friends, who also happened to be one of the most popular girls in school, leaned over and said to me,
“Leanne, you’re being really mean.” Her words took me by surprise and at first I thought she was joking. I looked at her with skepticism but she stood her ground.
“Yes! You’re being really mean! You should apologize and leave him alone.” I was shocked!
“I’m not being mean.” I told her. “I’m just having fun! We’re all laughing.” I truly believed what I was saying. I honestly had no clue that I was hurting someone’s feelings. But my friend corrected me and pointed out the fact that Nick was clearly not laughing with us. I glanced at him and took notice of his fake smile. But it was his eyes that showed a different emotion: hurt and pain.
Obviously, I’ve never forgotten that day on the school bus. My friend’s bold confrontation made a huge impact on me. It made me realize what I was doing and see the agony I had caused. I apologized to the boy and from that point on I made a conscious effort to consider other people’s feelings. I’m so thankful my friend had the courage to say something to me and stand up for that boy. It made a difference in his life and in mine!
The other thing that changed me for the better was during the summer after 9th grade when I dedicated my life to God and learned that my self-worth could be found in Him and not in material possessions or what other people thought of me. I discovered that His love and acceptance was better than being in the “cool” crowd, or having the right clothes or shoes. I began attending a church youth group and made friends with kids who saw me for me and loved me anyway. I learned how to be a true friend like Jesus; to serve, encourage, be kind, forgive and love at all times.
Now that I am a parent with middle school kids, I ache because I see them struggling with bullying issues too. Except that they have been on the receiving end. It’s so painful! Middle school is like a giant chicken coup and the pecking that takes place among peers can be absolutely brutal. My hope and prayer is that they will learn from my mistakes and know that there is a God who loves and accepts them for who they are- no matter what brand of shoes they wear.