All of us have dreams and they usually start when we’re young.  Maybe it is to travel, become an astronaut or have a horse…  Granted some of our childhood dreams aren’t always realistic. When I was a little girl I wanted to become a super hero like Wonder-Woman. I would dash around the house in a leotard, cowboy boots and have my blankie waving behind me as a cape. Obviously my becoming Wonder-Woman didn’t come to fruition. But I also had aspirations of becoming an author.  And last week, at the age of 38 I finally found myself sitting in front of a real life acquisition editor from a publishing company, presenting my very own book proposal.

I am proud to say I live in a small town.  St. Croix Falls, WI, population:  (about) 2,100. We have a few gas stations, a donut shop, a bike shop, a library, a few salons and a hospital. And of course, a town wouldn’t be complete without a few bars and churches.  We hold typical festivals, put on a parade, a 5K and a County Fair.  True, we don’t have anything taller than a 3 story building, and you have to drive 30 miles to reach the nearest department store or a chain restaurant- unless you count McDonald’s.

Carson lost interest in doing things with friends, and even life itself.  I was getting desperate for ways to encourage and help him!  When the time came to start thinking about summer camp, (which was normally his favorite time of year), he emphatically told me, “No Way! I am NOT going.” It broke my heart to see my boy feel held back and limited by his disease, when in fact he didn’t have to be.  Financially, I wasn’t even sure HOW we were going to be able to send him to camp.  We had incurred all kinds of new costs with CF.  But I felt like it was worth making the sacrifice to send him. 

When Nathan and I decided to have a baby, we imagined what it would be like to raise our sweet bundle of joy. We looked forward to all sorts of things like watching our son take his first steps, or playing baseball with him in the backyard. We imagined teaching him to ride a bike or how to catch a fish.

I didn't necessarily consider realities like finding my toddler had smeared his own poop all over the living room floor, AND furniture, AND  kitchen.  Or having to call security and form a search because my young daughter was lost in a busy shopping mall.  I didn't know that those seemingly perfect family portraits were such a difficult achievement. (Our kids' portrait sessions always involved crying, spitting up, and pretending to be a cow.)

My name is Leanne and I am honored to represent Mary Stark’s grandchildren and great grandchildren as we share some of our favorite things about our precious grandmother. As I begin to describe her, a quote from Shakespeare comes to mind…  “Though she be but little, she be fierce!”  I think you’ll agree that my Grandma was the tiniest, but strongest woman around.  And even if she wasn’t physically able, in her mind she truly believed that she could lift it, carry it, move it, haul it.

I tend to look at and sometimes even study people's hands.  Not sure why, but I think you can tell a lot about a person by their hands.  Years ago, as my Grandma's birthday approached, I wanted to write something for her that summed up the kind of person that she was: a caretaker, seamstress, cook, hard-worker, selfless and a generous giver.  And her hands kept coming to mind. She did so much with her hands.  That's where this poem was born out of.

I was in a meeting when I received a text message that made my heart sink.  “Your grandma is really sick and is going downhill fast...  We’re going to pursue hospice.” Grandparents are special people and I've been fortunate to have a strong presence of them in my life.

I’ve written about some of the exceptional experiences in my life that have made it difficult to just breathe. But what about those more common occurrences that can also make us stop in our tracks?  Like when a vehicle pulls out in front of you unexpectedly.  Or you receive a bill for something you don’t deserve.  Or you spill your coffee. (Gasp!) And then there is the category of breathtaking moments I refer to as “uh-ohs”, (common among parents of young children).

Two days after the van accident in Montana, our family journeyed home.  We felt a mix of emotions while processing the tragedy: gratitude that Anders and I were alive and basically unharmed. But we also wrestled with shock, fear, and grief at the loss and injuries of the other passengers. For me, PTSD symptoms were at the surface.  In an effort to work through some of these things, I reached out to our van driver’s wife.

When we hear stories of horrible experiences, we might try to imagine ourselves in them and wonder, “Would I be strong enough to handle that?”  Having been through a traumatic event recently, I learned that it’s not something you can prepare or plan for. Most of the time, it comes without warning.  But one thing you can be sure of: If you ask God, He will give you the strength you need WHEN you need it. Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength- a very present help in times of trouble." That’s where Anders and I drew strength from on August 1, 2014.

Summer 2014:  The trials we were experiencing over the past year seemed to be equally balanced by totally wonderful and amazing opportunities; one being the gift of a vacation to Montana.  A friend from Nathan’s childhood called one day to encourage us and say that he felt led by God to bless our family with a week stay at a guest ranch in the Rocky Mountains of Montana!  And so, at the end of July, 2014, we packed up our van and made the 22 hour long journey to the Pine Butte Guest Ranch to enjoy family time, amazing scenery, horseback riding, fly fishing and gourmet cuisine. 

Spring 2014:  Our hope to have some normalcy in life was delayed thanks to less traumatic circumstances such as lice, a flooded yard and basement, 2 more Lyme disease diagnosis’ (me and Anders), and a roach infestation.  (Apparently we have roaches in Western Wisconsin?!?) And although we were frustrated to the MAX, Nathan and I were able to keep a sense of humor through it all. One night I joked that it was like the plagues of Egypt!  “What’s next for us?  Boils?” 

During the period when Carson’s emotions were at his lowest point after being diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis, we decided to move forward with an organization called Make-A-Wish. It was something that could tangibly give us hope as the boys waded through their new life with daily airway clearance therapy, medications and frequent doctor appointments. Our doctor along with another CF family told us about it and frankly, my hope was that Make-A-Wish would help pull Carson out of his depression.

In February, 2014 we began the process of each of our boys receiving a wish granted.

Winter 2013-'14: After our boys were diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis, life felt heavy and hard.  But thankfully it wasn't long before a silver lining began to appear and we were shown a blessing in disguise. With further testing in December of 2013, it was determined that Anders’ CF was progressed enough that he needed to start Vest therapy just like Carson.  Up until that point, Anders was only requiring steroids, inhalants, sinus medications and occasional antibiotics. But immediately after the telling test results, his own airway clearance system was over-nighted and a respiratory therapist came to our house to educate us.

When she arrived, I think it was a unique situation for her because her young patient was actually excited about getting his new medical equipment. 

Winter 2013-‘14: Fall was moving quickly into winter and Carson was still in an emotional rut.  It’s interesting when difficult circumstances happen and you feel like everything around you should just stop and wait for you to catch your breath.

But it doesn’t.  The bills keep coming.  Laundry needs washing. Kids want something for breakfast, lunch AND supper and cereal or frozen pizza gets old. Somehow as the parent, you need to muster the strength to put one foot in front of the other. But if you can’t do it for yourself, you've got to do it for your family. They need you.